Today’s reflection is a homily shared by Fr. Michael Schleupner. We’re so grateful to Fr. Michael for sharing his reflections with us! He can also be seen frequently at the Center, serving as a spiritual director during many of our directed retreats. Click here for his next retreat. Let’s take a few moment now to read about his practical approach to forgiveness.
Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church[a] sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven[b] times.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him ten thousand talents[c] was brought to him; and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, together with his wife and children and all his possessions, and payment to be made. So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii;[d] and seizing him by the throat, he said, ‘Pay what you owe.’ Then his fellow slave fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he would pay the debt. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister[e] from your heart.” ~Matt. 18:21-35
Forgive
This morning, it would be difficult to talk about any topic other than forgiveness. This is front and center in both the first reading and the gospel. The first thing I want to say is that forgiveness can be very difficult.
I must admit that I find it hard at times. For me, I have to work at forgiving when someone treats me unfairly or unjustly. Maybe that’s not an issue for you, but it is for me. I think that forgiving can be a challenge at one time or another for many of us. This morning, I am not going to give a pious exhortation about forgiving. Instead, I want to look at this in a grittier, more practical way.
First, I want to look at some things that forgiveness is not. And then, I will offer three steps that I think are involved in the process of forgiving.
Forgiving Is Not…
First, forgiving does not mean that we deny our feelings or pretend that we weren’t offended. In fact, part of healthy forgiving demands that we own or admit our feelings. We do this so that we can eventually work through the hurt. Then, contrary to the popular saying, forgiving does not mean forgetting. It’s almost impossible to forget what has happened, even if we want to. We cannot expect ourselves or others to do this.
Next, forgiving is not weakness.
In fact, forgiving requires great inner strength. It is a sign of a strong person who can bring themselves to forgive another who has offended them. And finally, this may sound surprising, but forgiving may not mean reconciling.
Reconciling may be unwise in some situations, like domestic violence or sexual abuse. We may forgive but not restore the relationship to what it was before.
Forgiving Is
Okay, they are some things that forgiveness is not; now I want to look at three steps or actions that are involved in forgiving.
1. Review
First, we need to review what happened. Review in your mind what the other person did. And as you do this, get in touch with your feelings. How did you feel as it happened and right after it happened? And how do you feel about him or her right now And, as part of this review, sometimes we also need to look at ourselves. To paraphrase an old saying, “It often takes two to tango.”
So, is there some way, maybe something minor or subtle, but still some way that I contributed to the problem? Could it have been how I said something or when I did something?
2. Humanize
So, 1) review what happened, and then, 2) humanize the offender. Try to separate the hurtful word or action from the person who did it. And then, try to walk in that person’s shoes for a bit. What might she have been experiencing within herself? What kind of day or week might she have had? Or what kind of home life did he have when he was a child? What woundedness might he be carrying around inside?
This can be a very challenging part of the process that we may not want to do. But still, step back from the hurt for a moment and look at the offender as another human being.
3. Choose
And then the third step is to choose to forgive. We may feel resentful, angry, or vengeful. But even with that, we can still choose to let go of it – and yes, forgiving is a choice. Not to let go hurts us as much or even more than the other person. The Buddhists have a saying about this.
They say that holding on to resentment is like picking up a hot coal in our hand with the intention of throwing it at the person who offended us. Just imagine that: the hot coal makes it clear that holding on especially to vengeful feelings is as harmful for us as it is for the other person.
Choosing to let go is important. And then, eventually, if, if this is possible, try to talk with the other person because that makes forgiveness very real.
Conclusion
So, hurts can happen with anyone – a parent, a spouse, a son or daughter, a sibling, a friend, a neighbor, an employer, a priest, anyone. I hope that these three steps or actions – 1) Review, 2) Humanize, and 3) Choose – I hope that they will help us respond to Jesus’ call to be forgiving.
~ Fr. Michael Schleupner
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