By Robert & Lori Fontana
It’s important to work on your marriage!
When we were married back in the “Stone Age” — 1978 — we knew that we were going to have a great marriage. We were best friends, enjoyed doing so many of the same things, and were deeply rooted in our common faith in God.
Fast forward to 1985 — three babies and one on the way; graduate school for Robert; Robert working nights and weekends as a youth minister; Lori a stay-at-home mom. The illusion of a “great marriage” was popped. Lori felt like a single mom. We finally had a “come-to-Jesus” meeting. We agreed that “good things” — school, work, and children — were consuming all our energy, therefore putting our relationship on pause (as opposed to “bad things,” such as alcohol and drugs, another person, etc.).
We also admitted that although we had a lot in common, we were night and day different in personality and in how we liked to give and receive love (love languages), in how each of us was raised, and in our favorite fun activities (Lori: Scrabble; Robert: 20-mile bike ride).
We had taken our marriage for granted and had grown apart, focusing on other “good things.” If we were to have the “great marriage” we expected on our wedding day, we needed to change, making our marriage relationship a priority and working on it with daily, weekly, yearly goals. Our differences could be negotiated in such a way that the marriage always wins. The fruit of this has been a deepening of love and friendship in ways so much better than when we first married. When we lie down to sleep each night, we know great peace and unity.
When couples fail to negotiate their differences and begin taking each other for granted, they allow other good things to have greater priority in the marriage. Each can begin to feel neglected, unseen, or unimportant. Healthy conflict can become unhealthy fighting. When this happens, spouses are vulnerable to looking for emotional comfort elsewhere.
What to do? Connect every day, sharing the good and not-so-good of your day. Simple, fun activities — walks, games, foot massages — are possible, even with small children in the home. Read books together to continue to learn about how to better your marriage. Attend a workshop or retreat every 4-5 years as part of your marriage maintenance program. If necessary, if your marriage relationship frays, do not hesitate to seek help with a therapist trained in couple’s conflict. When your car shows signs of a motor problem, you take it to a mechanic. Give at least the same care to your marriage. Don’t wait until the resentment and distance grow so great that the two of you can hardly talk to one another.
With effort and care, your marriage will nourish the very qualities that led you to marry in the first place: friendship, fun, deep trust, loving intimacy, and peace. Work on your marriage, and your marriage will work!
Looking for a great opportunity to work on your marriage while having fun and enjoying a mini get-away from the usual routine? Robert and Lori Fontana are traveling all the way from Seattle to Bon Secours in Marriottsville to offer a weekend “Hidden Treasure Retreat for Couples” from August 7-9, 2026. Register here!